A Response from [Team name redacted]

I feel compelled to crosspost this... straight from their Captain, Max.

So it came to my attention this morning that a certain kickball team has their own blog. So I did what any good American would do and created my own blog to set the record straight. No, Im not going to pull an MSNBC and give you half (and the Obama Loving) side of the story, I'm going to do what the extremely non-partisan network of Fox News Does: I'll report, you decide.

So apparently, certain teams have held grudges from seasons past and have attempted to use this anger in hopes of winning. And to fuel this hatred, they have generated propagandist blogs to spread rumors and hatred across the ranks of kickball. I for one feel that this act of futility is actually a compliment. That other teams must try to win the battle of words because they cannot in fact win the battle on the field.

And did anyone see their blog as a surprise? I sure as hell didn't. It follows the trend of losers across history. They are compelled to write about how they were cheated or how the other team was "mean" in order to justify their lack of physical ability. While I feel there are many perfectly good examples of such behavior from the history of this Loser Kingdom, I will only head back to the days of our childhood. When members of the green team were out winning at sports such as baseball, soccer, football and tennis; certain members of other kickball teams were inside writing diary pages about how sports are stupid and being a loner is the way to go. Meanwhile, they waited by the phone for the call that never came. And as this infested gene pool aged, they found other exciting ways to engage their time. Hey, being a level 58 dungeon master is cool right?

Alas, I bring you back to present day, where these individuals have decided to take the plunge into the world of co-ed sports. Yes, this is a big leap. God forbid there might be physical contact! But the hardest concept these people face is the idea of competition. After all, the only thing they have ever had to compete for is their mother's love, which they had given up on years ago. So, now they have gotten their first whiff of competing and don't like the after-taste.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes tempers flare and people act crazy in the heat of the moment. But, do you know what I call people that attack the competitive spirit? Communists. Yes, you heard me. Competition is what has made America great. From the assembly line to atomic warfare. America created it, and the world has reaped our rewards. This spirit is what drove the British back, put a man on the moon, and showed the U.N. we weren't afraid to invade another country without a shred of proof. God bless us!

And, ok. Yes, this is the game of kickball. The game that you quit playing after 3rd grade because you found real sports to play. The game you really didn't want to join because you thought your roommates were going to call you a pussy. But, you showed them time after time when skanky ass girls were seen leaving your room the next morning after a rousing game of flipcup. And lets face it, thats why we joined. Alcohol and bitches. But, we might as well play the game of kickball before we get to the bar. And if we are going to play, why not try to win? And, no, your t-ball coach was wrong. It's not how you play, its by how much you beat the other team. Total victory. Nothing is sweeter than seeing the opposing team cry their way off the field as they question their purpose for living.

Also, apparently last night's victory on the mall gave a certain other team a heads up on what they need to improve on for future games. I have an idea on how to improve, recruit athletic players and tell everyone else to stay home and watch Wheel-of-Fortune. And no, kickball does not work like college football. You don't want to lose early, to don't want to lose ever. Period. Winners take home the cheerleading squad. Losers justify themselves being alone because "they haven't found the right one, yet" as they hurl pints of Ben and Jerry's down their throats. And exposing weaknesses early is not a good thing. I think we all knew what the Washington Nationals weaknesses were after their first game, and they sure rebounded....

Ok, so I'm done with this blog entry. I believe I have shed enough insight into the world of the "enemy." Thoughts and comments would be appreciated. On second thought, I don't care what you have to say, you play kickball.

No doubt a swift and to the point response.

Cheers,

Craig (MATT)