Many of you reading this are my friends. Many of you reading this know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.
I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish play I engaged in. I take full responsibility for yesterday's loss.
I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my team, It’s not me, it’s you, and to my fans. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.
Tim and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As he pointed out to me, my real apology to you will not come in the form of words. It will come from my play over time. We have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.
I am also aware of the pain my play has caused to those of you on this team. I have let you down. I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my play has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down, personally and professionally. My play has caused considerable worry to my business partners.
To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen months ago, CHASE envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through alcoholism. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Y. Jack Fan Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.
But, still, I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I played the way I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for.
But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Tim somehow hurt or attacked me after the game. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. He never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of violence in our team’s tenure. Ever.
The Exec Board has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. They deserve praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable. And I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in.
I know my play was poor. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a captain should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have far -- didn't have to go far to find them.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my co-captain, my friends, my teammates, my teammate’s families, my fans, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.
I've had some time to think about what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I have made. It is up to me to start living a life of integrity.
I once heard -- and I believe it is true -- it's not what you achieve on the field that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements on the kickball field are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all of those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.
As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to -- to ask me for the details of the time that I played poorly. I understand people want to know whether XME will remain together next season. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between my teammates and I. These are issues between a captain and a team.
Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.
Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things. I did. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements.
However, my play doesn't make it right for the media to follow my 89-year-old grandmother to her doctor and report the doctor’s location. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my grandmother alone!
I recognize I have brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my team to become a better captain. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better player. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.
Part of following this path for me is Flying Spaghetti Monster, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Pastafarian, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.
As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I have learned that is how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will practice and game plan harder than ever.
I would like to thank my friends at CHASE and the players on my team that were on the field with me this week, for understanding why I am making this -- these remarks today. In retrospect, I have learned that looking at -- the importance of looking at my kickball game and keeping in balance with my atheltic life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: teammates and my friends.
That also means relying on others for help. I have learned to seek support from my peers, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.
I do plan to return to the field eventually. I don’t know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be next week. When I do return, I need to make my play more respectful of the game.
In recent hours, I have received many dozens of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to XME and me. I want to thank the CHASE Kickball Commissioner [Jack] Fan and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my kickball life. I look forward to seeing my fellow teammates on the field.
Finally, there are many people reading this and there are many people not reading this who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again. Thank you.
